By Stephon Chaney
It’s common to hear single women accuse men of being “afraid of commitment”, and three years ago I would’ve agreed with the notion. On second thought, I would’ve argued that I wasn’t “afraid” of commitment... I just didn’t want it. After all, what dude wants to be stuck with the same woman forever? Why be locked down when a man can have as many women, as often as he likes? But as I revisit this discussion from a renewed perspective, I must admit that my viewpoint was inaccurate. Here’s why… One definition of commitment is “the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.” When you put it that way, I was committed to MANY things. So “commitment” itself wasn’t the problem. This definition reveals that there are two parts to the equation: 1. the dedication component, and 2. the entity to which I am devoting that dedication. Understanding the definition of commitment helped me get to the root of why I had such a negative outlook on long term relationships.
My commitment towards something was based on my perceived NEED for it
I never had a commitment problem, per se. For example, my bachelor years consisted of me chasing booty all over the place… and because I was dedicated, I pursued that thing whole heartedly. As a result of my unwavering commitment, I was wildly successful in the booty chasing olympics. I thought that multiple women were essential to satisfying my manly needs, so I was committed to that lifestyle. I had a list of clubs to attend on my weekly calendar of events, with clearly defined goals and strategies at each location (sheer dedication). The list goes on as it relates to the things I thought I needed (a consistent buzz being a top priority), but clearly a monogamous relationship was not one of them. Like i said, I “needed” multiple women… not one woman. Therefore, it made no sense for me to even consider the idea.
In all honesty, my vision was so blurred during this point in my life that I didn’t even feel the need for God… until I actually NEEDED God. Meaning, whenever something bad would happen to necessitate my being bailed out of a situation, I would pray until the cows came home. But when things were good, living for God was the last thing on my mind. I viewed following God as a negative thing; something a square would do. I wouldn’t be able to smoke, drink, have sex, or do anything else on my “need to do” list. So my thought process was to get to the God stuff after I’ve finished all the fun stuff… like maybe when I’m 60 or something.
Realizing my TRUE need revealed a desire for lifelong commitment
Eventually my perceived needs would prove to be hinderances. All of a sudden, I looked up and found lack in multiple areas of my life. Chasing the thrill had ultimately led to nothingness, which forced me to reprioritize a few things. Something told me to try this God thing sooner than later and see what happens… and this is when everything changed. I found an indescribable peace that had never been experienced, so I knew it was real (and that it wasn’t just for the old folks). Having this encounter exposed me to a TRUE need, which brought me to the decision of walking with God for the rest of my life. I no longer viewed this as a chore, but more so as an opportunity. It wasn’t about not being able to do the things I had previously enjoyed. It was about really believing that God's way was better than my own. Plus, unbeknownst to me, I would soon be exposed to desires I had no idea even existed (Psalm 37:4)... so the end result was a win win. Another benefit was the paradigm shift as it relates to commitment. I realized that if I could commit to walking with God for the rest of my life, then I could do the same with anything He reveals is for me... which leads me to my wife. With a renewed mind and an elevated vantage point, I was able to recognize Christina as the woman God specifically created with me in mind, as opposed to a mere opportunity to "smash something." God knew exactly what He was doing as far as the timing is concerned... and because I knew Christina was His choice, there was confidence in my committing to her (click here to read "the definition of wife material").
Now, there are still some things to which I will NEVER commit long term… like phone service providers. I’ve been burned by EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. These phones aint loyal, so month-to-month it is. But as for the things of God; things that bring peace, motivation, happiness, no drama, and no STD’S… sign me up.